Golf Shots
by
Cynthia J Dueringer - not on the ball
Copyright 2022
Having been raised in a family with a seriously irrational love of golf, I had to play until I was old enough to move out so I could quit. As of now, I haven’t played golf in at least forty years but got to thinking about getting back into the game. I had to excavate through a ton of junk in the garage to find my ancient golf bag and drag it out. My old golf glove had rotted to a stiff disfigured crumbling pile of gray crud and my old golf balls and tees were chewed by mice. Except for a little mildew, the fake leather grips crumbling on the clubs, and a hint of mouse excrement, the clubs and bag weren’t bad after forty years of living in the garage. I decided maybe I should start over. I quickly learned that you just don't waltz into K-mart these days for your golf gear. Oh nooooo. Golf supplies are now sold in special sporting goods stores dedicated to the mountains of golf paraphernalia that has exploded into so much stuff that now entire warehouse stores are dedicated to the trappings. (No pun intended). So I found a golf shop to see what’s new and get a few things. Get a few things? Golf has gotten wildly expensive as it has become wildly popular and now I'll need a wildly huge credit limit for new gear.
I was instantly overwhelmed upon entering the "Temple of the Golf Gods" blinded by the variety of available gear. The first few steps in I saw a display of sand wedges. I casually picked one out and in an attempt to look like an LPGA folk hero, I took a short uncomfortable whiff swing and quickly realized my grip was gone. As the club came up and I felt it slip I was able to grab the shaft out of the air to keep it from sailing into the shoe department. That's when I saw the price sticker. Over a hundred dollars?? For one club? For a handle and a chunk of metal stuck to the bottom? Okay, I do not need a sand wedge. I noticed the name “Ping” on many items which amused me. Perhaps that's the sound that their titanium clubs make off the tee. The last time I played I was using wood clubs and I heard more of a dorky “thwock”. Obviously "thwock" is not a good sound for producing a brand name. And what happened to the reasonably priced golf amenities sporting Arnie’s little umbrellas, Jack’s golden bears, Gary’s black knights, Norm’s sharks, and even little pudgy penguins?
As I looked at gear and doing some basic math I figure it'd cost me more for one custom weighted driver than my entire set of 1966 Wilson junior clubs plus all my accessories, and "fore" times more for the rest of the new clubs that they told me I’d need because each area of the golf course now requires a special club. A club? Doesn’t that make it sound like a caveman sport? No, it's a gentleman's game or was anyway. I have seen a few golfers use their club in an actual course clubbing after making a particularly crappy shot.
So not only will I need that custom driver, I’ll need special clubs for long holes, short holes, the rough, high grass, short grass, sand, hills, skirts, aprons, and for greens I’ll need special putters for fast or slow greens.
Then you must carry little extra things that have stick-shaped handles one of which is a special tool on a stick to pick up a ball because you can’t bend over with your gut in the way to pick it up yourself and another is a telescoping tool to retrieve the ball from the water. And of course, you should have an assortment of novelty putters for laughs when you want to tap in a gimmee. So now you have all these tools on sticks, but wait, there's more. You also have to pack other paraphernalia to add to the clutter, like The Glove. You will need The Glove. Some golfers like two gloves some like one. Even the one-glove golfers should have a spare as golf gloves are usually made out of special thin leather and fit so snug they make your hands sweat. You can't play with a wet glove, I'm sure there's a rule about that. Then after your round, the damp glove will shrivel into glove-jerky. You will need a little towel too. Better if it is embroidered with your name or has a clever cartoon on it. This towel is needed to wipe those sweaty hands or if you need to wipe your balls.
The balls are important and as you’d expect, you have to have special balls. Lord knows you need the proper balls. There’s a whole physical science behind each brand of balls. You can’t just go pick out any old cheap balls as other golfers will laugh at your balls if they don't have an acceptable logo on them. And you will need at least a half dozen of these special balls to play a full round as they have a habit of bouncing merrily off into the weeds never to be seen again…by you anyway. On rare occasions, golfers will find their balls covered in mud. Did you know your balls can get dirty? And you can't possibly play with dirty balls, I think that's another rule. So you will want to wash your balls. Most courses provide silly little washing machines for your balls. (We’re talking golf balls in case I lost you on this). There are little plunger ball washers to stick your balls in and all will have a good laugh about the plunging motion until your ball rolls out clean. Then, of course, you dry your balls with your little monogrammed towel and you are ready to tee up again.
Tees are little ball props that can be wood or plastic. They look more like “y's” but they are called “tees” and have pointy bottoms so you can jam them into rock-hard sod at the tee box. Many tees will break when you mash them with your mashie or scoop one with your spoon, so you will need plenty of extras. You will also need special shoes with pointy bottoms so you don't slip and break your neck avoiding lawsuits with your club. Not one of the clubs in your bag but the outfit that owns the golf course.
After buying all this gear you'll need a moving van to lug all your golf gear around, but all you will get is something called a "bag". This bag will weigh at least a ton empty and have one fat strap to carry it. I would think two straps would be nice so you could lug it like a backpack instead of destroying your hip and shoulder on whichever side you usually lug your bag making you walk with a thirty-three-degree pitch. After you add your trailer-load of gear to the bag tripling its weight, then consider that you will carry it for 18 holes in the hot sun. You may decide to buy a little hand truck to drag around behind you that will hold your golf baggage. They call this little truck a "cart". They should call it what it really is, a moving dolly. There are a lot more jokes I could do about dollies but I'm getting tired.
Most golf rounds play with a foursome. If they are bad golfers they are called a "fore-some". But no matter how bad or good they play it’s never called fore-play. Some rounds can take half a day to play so you might want to add a little foldable seat-on-a-stick to your golf luggage especially if you know you’ll get tired of waiting on golfers ahead of you because they are arguing about the number of strokes they took, or maybe they stopped to tell dirty jokes, or some desk jockey is holding everyone up because he has to take a business call. Oh, and if it’s too hot or too sunny or too rainy you’ll want to add a golf umbrella to your growing collection. Golf umbrellas are big enough to shade an entire patio and usually look like half of a large beach ball on a stick. But one little problem is using the golf umbrella. You can't take your shot if you are holding your own umbrella so you have to get someone else to help you or deal with the imminent weather. You hope their lie is close to yours so they don't have to walk six blocks to hold your umbrella, especially if they are also holding their umbrella. You can solve all this by renting a kid to lug your cargo and be the designated umbrella holder, he is usually called a "caddy". If the weather isn't too lousy sometimes golfers settle for personal shade in the form of a hat or visor. These hats and visors all have golf insignia on them and pro shops can charge five times the cost of a plain hat or visor that you can buy from Walmart.
To avoid scribbling illegible numbers on a scorecard you’ll use another player’s back for a surface to write on. If he is especially sweaty the card might stick there for the remainder of the round. You can solve that problem by getting a tiny desk you can clip on the handle of the golf cart to hold your scorecard. You will write your scores neatly using the handy mini-desk. Most courses don’t want you bringing your own adult beverages as they want you to wait on the beer cart, but you can buy many styles of coolers or flask items that will disguise your beer until you are out of sight of the club. There is no end to the golf crap you can buy these days. So now you have about half a million invested in golf equipment to lug around. Your little golf dolly is straining under the weight and you’ll undoubtedly get tired pulling it around for 4 hours. So you’ll want to rent an electric cart. Add another paycheck to the cost of the round. Then there's always that 19th hole expense.
It's an expensive sport. There are plenty of exclusive multi-million-dollar courses with classy clubhouses that will have at your disposal; practice greens, pro shops with designer golfwear and specialty gear, luxury carts, fine restaurants, handy bars, and amazing locker rooms. A fortune is invested to make every golfer feel like a pro. So think about this.....with all the money invested in every aspect of golf they still give you a little stump of a pencil to keep score with. You’d think with the massive investment golfers spend to play the game, the least they could do is give you the whole damn pencil.
Putting out now.Coming soon: "Golf Course Etiquette and Excuses", "Divots: Blame them on Gophers and Moles", and "Sand Trap Art"
Copyright 2012-20201696 words