Ten Scents Worth
Originally written in April 2002/Updated Sept 2015/Updated Feb 2022
by
Cynthia J Dueringer, a fun person!
It is amazing just how many books, videos, songs, and advice columns have been dedicated to ways to improve or rekindle the flame in a tired marriage or romance with someone special. Much of this information has targeted women with suggestions to make themselves more alluring to men: dainty things like rose petals on the bed, misting perfume into the air, chocolate-dipped strawberries, and see-through lingerie with lots of holes for extra see-through.
Do the authors of all that information ever think about men? Do they think men sit in golf course locker rooms sharing secrets of Egyptian cotton sheets and French perfumes? Or men strapping on their bowling shoes at the local lanes discussing the joys of waxing or the finer points of hair coloring? Or hunters in a deer blind whispering ways to disguise a few cellulite lumps or giving each other pedicures? No way! They are more interested in manly things; Monday Night Football, the great sandwich they had at lunch, the latest power tool at the hardware store, what’s new at Bass Pro, or getting a massage recliner. Very few men are stimulated by the same things women are. Just ask any married guy if he can identify the signature fragrance his wife has been wearing for 20 years. Some men may have trouble identifying their wives let alone her signature fragrance. So for women that are in a relationship with a manly-man or a man that doesn’t quite get the concept of silken boxers or Battenberg lace lingerie, if they want the attention of Mr. Special we suggest she should try beauty cosmetics that are aimed at what excites a man’s senses. Instead of the usual flowery scented products that women enjoy, she should try using cosmetics that appeal to the regular guy. Are there such products? Well, not yet. But a line of new products is on the horizon that would be a “breathtaking” addition to a woman’s arsenal of cosmetics to make herself truly unforgettable. Here are some of the new products that might do well aiming at the manly ol'factory caverns:
New-Mown Kentucky Blue Deodorant – There isn’t much of anything more exciting to the suburban male lawn lunatic than the scent of a newly mown Bluegrass lawn. You’ll lure him in every time you sweat, plus there’s nothing better than natural chlorophyll to knock down BO.
WD-40-Scented Moisturizer– a mild vanilla-almond scent that has excellent moisturizing qualities leaving a familiar silky slick finish to your skin and obviously comes in a little aerosol can with a red straw applicator. If you are lucky, you won't squirt out of the sack.
Kansas City BBQ Lotion – with a hint of hickory and mesquite, it’s a thick lotion that you rub in. The smokey fragrance intensifies during a good rubbing. As you begin to smolder the smoke will reward his brain brisket receptors.
Loaded Baked Potato Scented Creme Rinse – Creme rinse for hair that is scented like loaded baked potatoes. Today’s creme rinses are fragranced like so many fruits; strawberry, peach, apple, but men aren’t drawn to hair that smells like a fruit salad. What man could resist you tossing your head of silky hair that has the scent of bacon, cheddar, chives, and sour cream. Works well with Grilled Steak and Butter Sauce scented shampoo.
Lipstick de Nachos – Flavored like, well, what else. We can only imagine the smoochy-cheese and bean flavored fiery passion!
Monday Night Football Foot Massage Oil – Smells like a football. Comes with a 60-minute DVD of the best moments in football history. Watch him go into a trance as he watches those spectacular plays of the past, not realizing he’s giving you the best foot massage in the NFL.
Catcher’s Mitt Complexion Soap – Softens and preserves your skin after you rub it in and leaves the delightful scent of the finest boiled linseed oils.
Brats-on-the-Grill Cologne. A little on your neck and behind your ears and he’ll be sniffing and nibbling around for hours.
Cheddar Nibbles Nail Polish. Men don’t care about all the fancy nail polishes, decals, and studs that women enjoy on long nails. Men would rather have pared-down reasonable nails and they don’t care much about the color. They'll prefer cheddar flavored nail polish they can nibble on during intimate activity as taking a break for cheese dip at this time would interfere with her mood.
Eau de Valvoline – if the man in your life is a “gear-head” what better fragrance to keep him from the call of the garage. Comes with a tiny “piston-seized-in-a-cylinder” charm on a necklace to give him something to fiddle with that he knows how to tinker with. Steaming Porkchop Gravy And Mashed Potato Air Freshener. Men can smell pork chops sizzling in a pan about six miles out. Bring him into your kitchen on the glorious aroma of fried pork chops and gravy over mashed taters. His feet won’t even touch the ground.
Other products in development are New-Electronics-Scented Body Splash, Beer-Flavored Mouth Wash, Carnauba Wax Facial Peel, and Breaking Wind Dusting Powder. We can’t wait!
Do the authors of all that information ever think about men? Do they think men sit in golf course locker rooms sharing secrets of Egyptian cotton sheets and French perfumes? Or men strapping on their bowling shoes at the local lanes discussing the joys of waxing or the finer points of hair coloring? Or hunters in a deer blind whispering ways to disguise a few cellulite lumps or giving each other pedicures? No way! They are more interested in manly things; Monday Night Football, the great sandwich they had at lunch, the latest power tool at the hardware store, what’s new at Bass Pro, or getting a massage recliner. Very few men are stimulated by the same things women are. Just ask any married guy if he can identify the signature fragrance his wife has been wearing for 20 years. Some men may have trouble identifying their wives let alone her signature fragrance. So for women that are in a relationship with a manly-man or a man that doesn’t quite get the concept of silken boxers or Battenberg lace lingerie, if they want the attention of Mr. Special we suggest she should try beauty cosmetics that are aimed at what excites a man’s senses. Instead of the usual flowery scented products that women enjoy, she should try using cosmetics that appeal to the regular guy. Are there such products? Well, not yet. But a line of new products is on the horizon that would be a “breathtaking” addition to a woman’s arsenal of cosmetics to make herself truly unforgettable. Here are some of the new products that might do well aiming at the manly ol'factory caverns:
New-Mown Kentucky Blue Deodorant – There isn’t much of anything more exciting to the suburban male lawn lunatic than the scent of a newly mown Bluegrass lawn. You’ll lure him in every time you sweat, plus there’s nothing better than natural chlorophyll to knock down BO.
WD-40-Scented Moisturizer– a mild vanilla-almond scent that has excellent moisturizing qualities leaving a familiar silky slick finish to your skin and obviously comes in a little aerosol can with a red straw applicator. If you are lucky, you won't squirt out of the sack.
Kansas City BBQ Lotion – with a hint of hickory and mesquite, it’s a thick lotion that you rub in. The smokey fragrance intensifies during a good rubbing. As you begin to smolder the smoke will reward his brain brisket receptors.
Loaded Baked Potato Scented Creme Rinse – Creme rinse for hair that is scented like loaded baked potatoes. Today’s creme rinses are fragranced like so many fruits; strawberry, peach, apple, but men aren’t drawn to hair that smells like a fruit salad. What man could resist you tossing your head of silky hair that has the scent of bacon, cheddar, chives, and sour cream. Works well with Grilled Steak and Butter Sauce scented shampoo.
Lipstick de Nachos – Flavored like, well, what else. We can only imagine the smoochy-cheese and bean flavored fiery passion!
Monday Night Football Foot Massage Oil – Smells like a football. Comes with a 60-minute DVD of the best moments in football history. Watch him go into a trance as he watches those spectacular plays of the past, not realizing he’s giving you the best foot massage in the NFL.
Catcher’s Mitt Complexion Soap – Softens and preserves your skin after you rub it in and leaves the delightful scent of the finest boiled linseed oils.
Brats-on-the-Grill Cologne. A little on your neck and behind your ears and he’ll be sniffing and nibbling around for hours.
Cheddar Nibbles Nail Polish. Men don’t care about all the fancy nail polishes, decals, and studs that women enjoy on long nails. Men would rather have pared-down reasonable nails and they don’t care much about the color. They'll prefer cheddar flavored nail polish they can nibble on during intimate activity as taking a break for cheese dip at this time would interfere with her mood.
Eau de Valvoline – if the man in your life is a “gear-head” what better fragrance to keep him from the call of the garage. Comes with a tiny “piston-seized-in-a-cylinder” charm on a necklace to give him something to fiddle with that he knows how to tinker with. Steaming Porkchop Gravy And Mashed Potato Air Freshener. Men can smell pork chops sizzling in a pan about six miles out. Bring him into your kitchen on the glorious aroma of fried pork chops and gravy over mashed taters. His feet won’t even touch the ground.
Other products in development are New-Electronics-Scented Body Splash, Beer-Flavored Mouth Wash, Carnauba Wax Facial Peel, and Breaking Wind Dusting Powder. We can’t wait!